Many of us simply try to endure each day and avoid unnecessary trouble—happiness rarely enters into our aspirations. Todd Patkin is adamant that it doesn’t have to be this way—and he shares twelve steps that will bring you much closer to your greatest life.

You’re busting your butt at work so that you can snag that coveted promotion, and when you come home each evening, a whole separate pile of responsibilities and chores awaits you. Whether you’ve accidentally overdrawn your checking account or you were unlucky enough to become your mother-in-law’s scapegoat just by answering the phone, you feel like you’re a victim of circumstances on a regular basis. You’re convinced that the best you can do is to simply try to survive each day without a meltdown. In short, you’re the farthest thing from “happy”—and there’s not a thing you think you can do about it. Sound familiar?

If your answer is “yes,” Todd Patkin has an important message for you: You can start to live a happier life…and believe it or not, the choice is completely up to you.

“Earlier in my life, if you had told me that happiness was a choice, I too would have told you that you were crazy. After all, no one chooses to experience things like the pain of low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression,” points out Patkin, author of the new book Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $18.00, www.toddpatkin.com). “But what I’ve come to realize is that happiness isn’t about leading an obstacle-free life—instead, it’s about learning how to change what you focus on and how you react to circumstances, regardless of whether they’re good or bad.”

Patkin isn’t just a talking head—he speaks from painful personal experience. After dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression throughout his life—despite achieving outward success, wealth, and respect—he suffered a devastating breakdown at the age of thirty-six. Finding Happiness chronicles Patkin’s difficult life experiences, as well as his eventual recovery and the lessons he has learned about the true nature of both depression and happiness.

“I can tell you unequivocally that money and success and accolades aren’t going to make you happy,” Patkin says. “In fact, they have surprisingly little to do with it. Happiness is the culmination of all the little actions, choices, and habits that fill your day. Whether to smile and be cheerful, for example, or whether to instead be more negative and participate in water-cooler gripe fests.”

Learning to choose how you respond to life isn’t always an easy journey, Patkin admits. In fact, he likens building a happier life to strengthening your abs or your biceps—it’s going to take some effort, and you might feel a little sore at first! But, Patkin stresses, the work is worth it—and he has some concrete suggestions to help you get started on strengthening your happiness “muscle.”

“I’ve identified twelve things that will help anyone begin to lead a happier life, especially if they’re added on one at a time to your life and in the order in which they’re given,” Patkin shares. “You’ll begin to focus more often on the behaviors, people, and things that will enrich and fulfill you, and that will inspire your positive physical, mental, and emotional growth. And conversely, you’ll stop allowing your negative moods and habits to dictate your life.”

Patkin explains his “Twelve Weeks to Living a Happier Life” in Part Two of his book and has also provided free corresponding instructional videos on his website, www.toddpatkin.com. Each video features Patkin, who talks about his own experiences, provides explanations as to why each of the twelve weeks is important, and shares tools for implementing each of the steps into your daily life.

if you’re ready to take control of the stress, anxiety, and negative thoughts that have been running your life so far, then read on to learn about Patkin’s Twelve Weeks to Living a Happier Life…and why they’ll work for you.

Step One: Exercise. Yes, you’ve heard it (a million times) before, but exercise is one small change that yields really big, life-changing benefits. For starters, it will begin to make you feel more relaxed, stronger, and more capable of handling life’s challenges—also, it will improve your sleep, and it’s a natural anti-depressant that will help your attitude and outlook. And as time passes, you’ll gain the added bonus of being happier with your physical appearance as well.

“I’ve placed exercise in the number one spot because I think it’s the single most important thing you can do to improve your life right now,” Patkin asserts. “Exercise is a fantastic energizer, and it actually opens you up to future change by invigorating your mind and body. If working out is already a part of your life, great! If it isn’t, commit to walking just twenty minutes every other day to start out. You don’t have to join a gym, sign up for exhausting classes, and completely reorder your life to reap the benefits of this investment!”

Step Two: Take Charge of Your Mind. Why do you eat breakfast? To give your body the nutrients it needs so that you’ll have the energy to get through the day, of course. And guess what? Your mind is no different. If you want your thoughts and attitudes to be positive, you must fill your brain with encouraging ideas. For this reason, Patkin recommends making motivational books and audio recordings part of your daily ritual, too.

“I know, I know…this probably sounds incredibly hokey,” Patkin admits. “But trust me, listening to a motivational CD during your morning commute or reading for fifteen minutes as you sip your coffee in the morning can put you in a positive place until you go to sleep in the evening. When you do this each day, you’ll find that your attitude is improved, and that you have learned new tools to eliminate your own self-doubt and self-criticism. By focusing more on all the positive aspects of who you are, what you are doing, and what is great in your life, you’ll find that the whole direction of your life can change. If you’re not sure where to start, I have a recommended reading and listening list on my website.”

Step Three: Learn to Be Easier on Yourself. If you’re like most people, you probably tend to focus a lot of your mental energy on the things you mess up rather than the things you do well. And as a result of magnifying your failures, you reinforce in your mind just how “subpar” you think you are. No wonder you’re unhappy! It’s time to realize that you’re human—and thus fallible—so you will make mistakes. Instead of beating yourself up, start celebrating your many successes. Until you give yourself permission to break free of the cycle of self-blame and negativity that causes you to be stuck demanding perfection from yourself in every situation, you’ll never have a chance to be a truly relaxed, content, and happy person.

“The really tragic thing about fixating on your screw-ups is that for every one thing most people do wrong in a week, they usually do a hundred things right,” Patkin points out. “It’s not an easy thing to do, but if you want to be happier, you’ve got to start showing more compassion and love to yourself. This means giving yourself a break when things don’t go perfectly, and giving yourself a pat on the back when they do. For instance, let yourself bask in your family’s compliments when you cook a delicious meal, and savor your boss’s praise when you offer an ingenious solution at a meeting. Basically, extend to yourself the same love and kindness that you would to others you care about!”

Step Four: Play to Your Strengths. Most of us don’t spend a lot of time doing things we enjoy or are truly good at. In fact, it sometimes seems like frustration, boredom, and discontentment are the bricks that are used to build the so-called “American Dream.” The fact is, though, we all possess special abilities and unique talents. And if you want to be happy, you need to recognize, use, and share them. When you do, you’ll feel more fulfilled and proud of yourself, and the world will be better off, too.

“If you’ve never done so before, sit down and first make a list of the things you are best at, and second, make a list of the things you enjoy doing the most—often, the same items will appear on both lists,” advises Patkin. “Then, make it a goal to spend more time doing these things. Focusing more on a hobby or personal interest is a good start, even if, like exercise, you do it for only twenty minutes every other day. And if you determine that your career doesn’t utilize your strengths, start looking at online job postings or for local classes in your field of interest. It’s never too early—or too late—to start doing the things that make you happy.”

Step Five: Eliminate Stressors. Newsflash: Stress is bad! It prevents you from living in and enjoying the moment, and it can also cause negative long-term effects ranging from high blood pressure and insomnia to depression and anxiety. So although it’s easier said than done, it’s smart to eliminate as many stressors as possible. Often, something as simple as a shift in perspective can make all the difference.

“Start by identifying the two or three things that cause you the most stress on a consistent basis—maybe having a messy house is one,” says Patkin. “Often, you’ll find that there are concrete things you can do to lessen or even eliminate the pressure. For example, you might have a frank discussion with your spouse and kids regarding chores. Or, you might finally hire a cleaning person to help you once or twice a month if you can now afford it.

“Also, if you can’t eliminate or change a stressor, such as a job you hate but can’t afford to quit, challenge yourself to handle it differently. Specifically, decide beforehand how you will react in a more enlightened way when certain stressful situations occur—actually visualize yourself handling them with poise instead of becoming outwardly or inwardly worked up. Having a game plan in place before the ‘beast’ rears its ugly head really can reduce your negative reactions to stressors—big time.”

Step Six: Live in the Present. How often do your thoughts “live” in the present? More to the point, how often are they instead fixated on your disappointing or disturbing past or spent worrying about your future? If you are like most people, your percentage of time not spent in the present is way, way too high, and thus you’re missing out on life itself. If you’re ruminating on what’s already happened or fretting about what might come to pass, you’re not enjoying the blessings all around you. You’re exacerbating your anxiety and unhappiness by choosing (there’s that word again!) to dwell on things you can’t change or control.

“In order to practice being in the present, you’ll have to do a little bit of homework,” Patkin instructs. “Specifically, you’ll need to look at your past and forgive others (and yourself!) for any wrongs you might be holding on to. Also, you’ll need to identify what, exactly, you dread about the future. First, figure out how likely these things are to actually happen (in most cases, they won’t be very probable), and then plan how you’d deal with the worst-case scenario. Usually, you’ll see that even the worst turn of events would not destroy you and could be handled, albeit with some stress and difficulty.

“Once you have begun to take control of your past- and future-oriented thoughts, you can truly begin to appreciate the present moment. You’ll need to be aware of what your thoughts are ‘doing,’ and please don’t get discouraged when you find yourself going back to your old negative mental habits! In fact, pat yourself on the back because you’re noticing that you’re doing something you don’t want to do anymore. Over time, you’ll start to live the adventurous, wonderful life in the present you were always meant to!”

Step Seven: Spend More Time with Positive People. Have you ever heard of “social proof”? It’s the phenomenon of being influenced more by the people we are around the most. And what does social proof have to do with happiness? Well, if you spend as much of your time as possible with positive people, the physical and mental improvements you’ve made thus far through week seven will be much more likely to “stick”—and you’ll continually be inspired. However, if most of your friends, family, and coworkers are negative, they will inevitably pass their unhealthy attitudes on to you.

“If you’re truly serious about building a happier life for yourself, you need to look at the people with whom you spend most of your time and decide which are positive influencers and which are negative influencers,” Patkin instructs. “Gradually, you need to gravitate more toward the ‘Positives’ and distance yourself from the ‘Negatives.’ This might mean calling a positive friend and asking to meet up for coffee or a beer, or walking away from the water cooler when your coworkers begin to gripe and complain.

“Over time, your goal is to make a significant shift in terms of the people with whom you surround yourself. I know that it’s hard to put distance between yourself and a person who has been a big part of your life, but the fact is that you’re at a crossroads. Would you rather maintain relationships that are familiar, but built on negativity, or would you rather form new ones that will propel your happiness journey forward? I strongly recommend you choose the latter.”

Step Eight: Strengthen Close Relationships. Unless a family member or close friend is a truly, irredeemably toxic influence, Patkin insists that it’s always worth putting work into improving close relationships. This is simply because the quality of the relationships you have with the people you are the closest to—your family and friends—can make or break the quality of your life. Loving, supportive relationships will majorly enhance your happiness levels. But fractious, unstable, or even distant relationships with your family members and historically close friends can leave you feeling unappreciated, angry, alone, and anxious.

“So, starting with your immediate family members and the people you see every day, and then working outward, reach out to the people who are meaningful to you and tell them how important they are to you! Also, try to address any unresolved grievances and apologize for the things you may regret,” Patkin advises. “And there’s one relationship you need to focus on in particular: the one with your spouse or significant other. Put more work into this relationship than you do into anything else: your house, your car, or your job, etc. Celebrate your spouse every day. Trust me: This can make such a great difference in your emotional health, your stress levels, and your overall happiness!”

Step Nine: Be Friendlier. Although our society is more and more “connected” by technology, we interact less and less with other people on a meaningful, face-to-face level than ever before. But guess what? Extending simple human kindness to other people can make a huge difference in their lives…and in yours. This could mean starting up a conversation with the guy beside you on the subway, sincerely thanking a bank teller for her help, or just smiling at coworkers you pass in the hallway.

“Everyone on Earth is carrying some sort of burden,” Patkin points out. “You can’t make their pain, stress, or grief just magically disappear…but you can be what I call a ‘lamp-lighter’—someone who makes others feel just a little bit lighter and happier on their journey, even if only for five seconds. When you make friendliness a habit, you’ll attract kindness and smiles in return…and you’ll feel great about yourself for making a positive difference in the world!”

Step Ten: Help Others. It’s true: It really is better to give than to receive. You see, humans are by nature social beings, and we find our greatest fulfillment in helping others. Plus, reaching out a helping hand to someone who isn’t as fortunate as you tends to quash selfish impulses and highlight your own blessings. Giving of yourself doesn’t have to involve money, either—remember that your time, talents, and compassion are just as valuable as cash, if not more so.

“To put it simply, givers are happy people,” asserts Patkin. “I know; we’re all busy—but as often as you can, make the effort to do something nice to help another person or organization. This could be visiting a disabled veteran at the VA, or simply rolling your neighbor’s trashcan up the driveway! And if you have kids, you’ll be setting a wonderful example for them. I promise you, whether you’re giving time, energy, money, or encouragement, being generous will build up your self-esteem, broaden your perspective, keep you anchored in reality, and connect you to your blessings—all components of a happy life.”

Step Eleven: Deepen Your Relationship with Your “Higher Power.” Yes, spirituality (much like politics) is a touchy subject. But according to Patkin, believing in something bigger than yourself is essential to developing the kind of perspective you need to be happy. Whether you consider your Higher Power to be God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, the Universe, or even just Nature or another entity, being willing and able to see and feel His (or Her, if you prefer!) presence in your life will enable you to move away from self-centeredness and focus your energy and concerns on the greater community. It’ll also provide solace and give meaning to unfortunate events and troubling life circumstances.

“Personally, I’ve been connected to the Jewish faith for my entire life,” Patkin shares. “My faith has helped me create a strong sense of identity that’s rooted in a heritage I’m proud of—but you don’t need to espouse my beliefs, or even join an organized religion and attend services regularly. What I do hope you’ll do, though, is make an effort to clarify your thoughts about faith and also make an effort to connect to your Higher Power, whether it’s through prayer, meditation, writing in a journal, doing random acts of kindness, or just spending time in nature. Eventually, I hope you’ll begin to see your Higher Power as a source of inspiration, renewal, strength, guidance, and aid—as I do.”

Step Twelve: Develop an Attitude of Gratitude. Yes, living with an “attitude of gratitude” is a clichéd concept. But across the board, grateful people are happier and healthier; yes, studies have actually shown that thankful individuals are 25 percent healthier too! And the way Patkin sees it, if you’re reading this, you have a lot to be thankful for already.

“If you live in America, you have access to great education, healthcare, and the freedom to worship and work as you choose,” he points out. “Those are huge things to be thankful for right out of the gate! We take these ‘basics’ and much more for granted, and we often have others—whether it’s an ancestor of ours, a veteran, or a coworker—to thank for them. It’s extremely important to be aware of all of your blessings, and to honor and thank those whom you owe for them. Once you start recording your blessings, you’ll probably be amazed by how long the list of people you have to thank for them is. And the humility that comes from knowing you owe so much to so many others will, in turn, spur you to give back more often to those less fortunate than yourself.”

It’s time to make a choice. Do you want to put in the effort to build a happier life for yourself and your children as well? (Always remember your kids are likely to grow up conforming to the example you set for them.) If so, you’ve got your work cut out for you—but you can also look forward to an enriched future with confidence. Or will you decide to take the path of least resistance and allow life’s unpredictability to continue to dictate your unhappiness?

“I can tell you from experience that happiness is something that’s largely within your control,” concludes Patkin. “No, you’ll never wake up and have the ‘perfect’ day with everything going just the way you’d like it to. But you can choose how you respond to life…and I promise that will make all the difference!”

Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $18.00, www.toddpatkin.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.toddpatkin.com.